My 20-year reunion is coming up in the New Year, but post-school life has been a series of humiliating misfortunes. Should I go, or stay at home and watch funny cat videos?
Reunions are an uncomfortable experience for most of us. It’s hard when your former schoolgirl crush is now overweight, moustachioed and bald.
Particularly when you went to an all-girls school.
But school reunions are a time to embrace the past, not the present.
It doesn’t matter if Tiffany ended up becoming a Vogue model.
You can nod at her inane conversation and Botoxed forehead and recall that day in Year 8 when she had a gastric attack on the backseat of the all-stops bus.
So what if Priscilla is a neurosurgeon.
Her teenage tuna-sandwich-induced halitosis is a lingering memory more powerful than the kudos of a medical degree. Reunions are a great equaliser.
No amount of therapy can cut the bonds formed when forced to wear a maroon tunic with matching Sherlock helmet for six years.
Just breeze through questions about what you are doing with your life with obscure information you’ve gleaned from midnight infomercials.
You know, “Life with a FlowBee Precision Home Haircutting System is pretty damn satisfying” or words to that effect.
If that doesn’t work, remind your childhood friends that it was your finesse that clinched the inter-school Hockey final against the Medowie Muzzlers.
Smile sweetly, guzzle some Dutch courage (at $95 a head you deserve it) and try not to gaze longingly at the courtesy bus (or the courtesy bus driver for that matter).
Oh, and RM, when you return from your reunion, delete all your social media accounts.
When the inevitable post-reunion Insta-stalk starts, you don’t want to be known as that sad old has-been who posts cat memes and Louise Hay affirmations.