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Next week I have to work on the barbecue for my kid’s AFL game. The problem is I’m a vegan, and I don’t think I can bring myself to cook sausages, bacon and eggs. What’s the alternative?
Thanks, Mrs BP, Tea Gardens
Dear Mrs BP,
The thing is, I’m thinking that your son is probably a vegan too. Not one of those lean, six-pack bearing vegans on Instagram, but a weedy little kid who tries his best, he really does, Mrs BP, but his iron levels are so low that he not only fails to get any ball time, but he’s actually a huge hindrance to the team. They’ve taken him on because that is the AFL charter. You have to accept everyone and hope for the best.
You know, you could just swap with the dad doing oranges. I’m sure he’d rather be on the end of a pair of tongs. Or how about you stand in for the goalie referee? All you have to do in that situation is wave around a white flag, or two white flags, I’m not sure of the finer details, but you’ll know you’ve done the wrong thing when some six-foot tall monster with a man bun and hairy thighs comes charging at you, full of vengeance.
How about instead of the usual snags and bacon, you cook up some haloumi, capsicum and tomato skewers? I can just imagine the parents who are spending their entire weekend driving to and from the Myall Coast to Terrigal turning up for their usual caffeine fix and snag sandwich, and instead getting some kale juice and a vegie kebab. Yep, they’re just going to love you, Mrs BP.
Look, I really don’t know what else to suggest, so I’m going to tell you what the coach tells the kids when they start whining about petty things on the field: ‘Suck it up, princess. Now, get in there and be part of the team.’