On the Couch with Jasminda



Do you have a pressing problem, annoying anxiety or community conundrum? Jasminda Featherlight, our resident roving Agony Aunt, is here to help. Jasminda will be responding to questions from our News Of The Area papers on a rotating basis. Send your concerns to Jasminda care of edit@mcnota.com.au and include your title, initials and suburb.

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Dear Jasminda,

We all know that a plethora of mobile phone apps exist in this techno age, but, a new app has left me in shock and awe!

This clandestine new app is only available on the “Dark Web”. It combines existing technologies, but, with a new extension, which is called “Skin Percentage Ratio Recognition”, that can “search into” any other mobile within range, isolate and digitally scan the “Photo Gallery”, then, once recognising images of persons, download only the images which reveal more than 75% skin! I am sure you will fully comprehend the purpose and the implications of this notorious new app. In this technological age, everything we once used to consider private, is now out there, flying through the ether. Our conversations, texts, banking, financial details and photos are all flying through the air, residing in the clouds, available to any hacker!

Mr Mac, Tea Gardens



Dear Mr Mac,

No wonder you are troubled! It sounded as though you were sitting in a Crime Scene Investigation unit. I pictured you surrounded by mounting piles of paperwork, a half doughnut and stale coffee within hands’ reach, a loyal German Shepherd called Muster at your feet. Loitering behind you was a geeky yet attractive girl with a short fringe, red lipstick and Doc Martins, busily uncovering important new evidence about the infiltration of clandestine groups and information orbiting the earth like some fake Chinese moon. Every now and then, mysterious CSI music played followed by typewriter sound effects, ridiculously out of date in this day and age, but it gave the scene the right ‘feel’.

I felt so anxious about this ‘skin app’, that I turned on the television for some diversionary therapy. Rage was on, so I was confronted by music videos revealing about 85 per cent skin. That sent me into a real spin, so I went to One Mile for a swim and found out that a man had just that morning been bitten on the bicep by a shark. He’d been swimming at Samurai so he was probably showing 100 per cent skin.

You are right, though. Everything that was once private is now flying through the ether, which is why you should only post things that you wouldn’t mind the world seeing. There’s evil lurking in every corner, Mr Mac, maybe even in the coastal paradise known as Tea Gardens. Cue dramatic music, Muster raising one eyebrow in a quizzical way, and the geeky girl uncovering a new cell of weirdos.

Carpe diem.

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