‘On The Couch’ With Jasminda


Dear Jasminda,

Now we are in social isolation I am unable to spend time with my boyfriend. This is causing me distress and I can see no end in sight. Surely if we have both been in isolation for weeks now, neither of us has the virus and it is safe for us to travel to each other’s place as often as we like. Ms NM, Raymond Terrace.

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Dear Ms NM,

This sounds quite romantic. A tragedy of Shakespearian proportions has beset Raymond Terrace. We have the Capulet family from Aphrasia Way and the Montagues from Jacaranda Avenue, foes since a long-ago misdemeanour when Roger Capulet reversed his Toyota Hilux into Peter Montague’s Kia in the Aldi carpark. And yet, with the odds against them, Nadia Montague’s captivating smile entranced Nathan Capulet after she served him a chicken schnitzel with Dianne sauce at the Junction Inn Hotel. Since then they have been sneaking out to the movies and holding hands at the local food court, but now all hell has descended and both are locked in their respective homes, desperately trying to escape under the guise of buying toilet paper or doing personal training sessions in the park, or checking up on the progress of their Job Keeper payment, all under the watchful eye of the local law enforcers who have received advanced training in ‘Teenage Shenanigans during COVID-19’.

What will become of the Montagues and the Capulets of Raymond Terrace? I fear a fateful end to this harrowing tale of unrealised passion and subterfuge. Nathan will perhaps spot Nadia motionless in the local park and, thinking she has tried to take her own life, he will attempt to resuscitate her, only to be pounced on and handcuffed by Constable Tybalt for not observing social distancing rules. Alas, Nadia had simply been trying to meditate away the 5G radiation (sub plot involving Louella the local yogi, whale whisperer and conspiracy theorist). Nathan struggles, but he is no match for Constable Tybalt who locks him away in a shared cell where Nathan is now in far closer proximity to human touch than he has been in a long time (unfortunately this time it is with Rodrigo who has a teardrop tattoo, a hacking cough and night sweats). Meanwhile, bored out of her brain, Nadia takes up gaming and progresses from playing Grand Theft Auto to being headhunted by the Federal Government as a software design trouble shooter. She is put on the Corona tracking app taskforce but true to her undying devotion for Nathan, she corrupts the software and inserts a complex unencrypting system that divulges the GPS co-ordinates of every public servant at any given time of day or night.

Carpe diem, Jasminda.

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